Oh, today’s list will be fun, telling you all about what I’m insecure about. What could go wrong with that?
- My body (Alright, so I’m overweight, and I’m unhappy that I’m overweight, but it’s not an insecurity. The things that I’m insecure about with my body, are the fact that I have no butt, so it is very difficult for me to get a pair of pants/shorts to not expose my ass. People think this is just slobbish, but it’s for lack of another option. I try very hard to keep my ass covered. Second thing with my body, is the way it moves. If I’m walking and accidentally start paying attention to the way I’m walking, or if I’m trying to dance without having a little bit of a buzz on, I get very insecure.)
- My nose (I have a big nose, but again, that’s not the problem. Most people don’t notice, because if I’m not wearing glasses it’s not particularly evident, but my nose is crooked. When I’m wearing glasses, people just tend to think I have them on wrong, but really it’s that my nose throws everything else off.)
- My intellect (I don’t need to think of myself as some intellectual, but many people that I know do consider themselves intellectual, and while I can keep up in conversation with most people, when it comes to certain intellectuals, if you don’t know some random piece of information, they immediately begin to condescend to you.)
- My writing (I share most of my writing with you guys on here, and in my book, but I’m still insecure about it. I think that most artists/writers/etc. are probably also insecure about their work. Is it good enough? Will people relate to it? Is it meaningful or is it frivolous?)
- My voice (Again, this is probably a pretty normal thing, I’ve heard that when most people hear their voices played back for them, that they hate it. With me, the difference is that I’ve been told how awful my voice is. In high school, kids used to ask me to say “Clear eyes is awesome” because they thought I sounded like Ben Stein. In a musical theater class, I was told by a teacher that my voice sounded like a dying mouse. So when I hate my voice, I think it has a little more legitimacy than the average person.)
- My wardrobe (I think a lot of clothing is a rip off, and so I don’t spend a lot of money on clothing unless I’m paying for function, for example I pay a decent amount on shoes and sneakers in order to keep my feet, ankles, knees healthy. The truth is though, that even though I don’t spend a lot of money on clothes, I’m constantly self conscience about what I’m wearing. When I was a kid, I was the biggest kid for a long time, and then other kids caught up when I stopped growing. But when I was the tallest kid, other kids would make fun of my pants, because I would be outgrowing them so fast. I can’t justify spending so much on clothes, because even if I were in nice clothes, I would still think I looked shitty in them.)
- My freakouts (I’m bi-polar, and I’m lucky and I don’t have it as bad as I’ve been told some do. But sometimes I get overwhelmed, and stressed, and feel backed into a corner, and I begin to shout, and make a scene. I’m like half aware of it, but I can’t help it. It is the most humiliating thing, and I worry that people will call the police if it’s in public, or that whoever is involved in the argument will cut me out of their life. It’s never physical, but I think that I come across like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum.)
- My taste in music (So here’s the thing. I have a few problems musically as far as my music snob friends are concerned. First I don’t understand the hate for bands like Nickelback. I’m take it or leave it with them, but at least I can understand their lyrics unlike most rock. Also I’m big into rap, and most of my friends are not. Lastly, I know they’re not good, but Limp Bizkit’s Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavor Water is such a fun stupid album. I love it.)
- The way I talk (Not my voice, but the manner in which I talk. So there are a few things about this, first I’ve lived in Massachusetts almost my entire life, but I hate the Boston accent, and so I work hard to not have it. That’s the first thing. Secondly, I’m incapable of sounding cool using slang or lingo, even by nerdy white boy standards. I was essentially born a middle aged white dad.)
- My head size (So, this may sound ridiculous, but I’m insecure about my head size. I don’t mind that it’s so big usually, I don’t think it looks disproportionate to my body, just when it’s a really hot day and I need a hat, it is damn hard to find a hat that fits my head. They all look like purposely chose one too small, and we’re talking about XL and XXL here.)
So that’s my list. I kind of bared my soul today, but even though I have those insecurities, I don’t let them control me. I live my life despite them.
What are you insecure about?