Dead and Gone

I’m at an age where I’m starting to have to deal with loss.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had distant relatives and people die before, but I’m at the point where it’s becoming more common and closer to me.  Three years ago, my grandmother died, and I had been extremely close to her.  It was really the first death that impacted me, the day that I found out my wife was pregnant (a year and a half later) I was calling different family members to tell them, and I began looking for her in my phonebook.  It ripped the wound open again.

Ultimately, I went to my grandmother’s grave, and I told her that I was going to be a dad, and since my son was born, I brought him to see her.  Was it the same as seeing her holding him, or the smile on her face, or hugging her, absolutely not, but it was something.

That’s actually what I’m really having a hard time with when it comes to loss.  We think that death is the ultimate loss, but I’ve experienced losses that are in some ways worse.  I have friends, that I’ve made through my ex-girlfriends, or their ex-girlfriends whom I will never see or speak to again.  When you lose a friend due to being on a side of their break-up, it can be devastating.

I have been dealing with losing friends and family members to the fact that they have become different people.  Friends and family who found God and lost themselves.  This has been particularly devastating to watch as people that I respect, love, and admire become warped into mindless drones.  Please don’t take that to mean that everyone who believes in God is mindless, I know several people who I think are better, more likable people, because they have God in their lives—I do not judge people on their beliefs, but I do judge people on their ability to think, on their ability to retain themselves in that process.  If God makes you want to be kinder, that’s great.  If God makes you want to believe everything some guy at a building every Sunday tells you, and you’re not thinking for yourself, I have a problem with that.

I know that I probably sound like a complete asshole, and perhaps I am, but I love/loved these people that I’m talking about, and seeing the light in their eyes flicker off, whether it’s literally, or emotionally has wrecked me.

I don’t have that many people in my life that I can deal with full time, people that are more than friendly or acquaintances, and so when I find these people, who make me feel as if I’m ok because they’re just great people, I cannot deal with losing them.  I cannot deal with it when it is through death, splitting up, or brainwashing.  It hurts too much, and I know that at this time in my life, I should be able to cope better, but it feels pretty new to me, and it hurts every single time.

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