Life in the Driver’s Seat

As you probably know, I was laid off back in November.  When that happened, two things really started to swirl around in my mind.  The first, obviously, was determination to get a new job—there was no way around it, I need a job in order to survive.  The second thing that entered my mind was taking steps toward independence.

Let me explain that second thought.  I have been laid off from multiple jobs now, nearly every job I’ve ever had has been underpaying, overworking, and still half of them haven’t thought that I was worthy of working for them.  Do you get how fucked up that part is?  I’m not good enough to work a job where they aren’t going to pay me enough to live.  Ultimately, I’m at the whim of a bunch of people that very often I never meet.

So, my plan became to free myself of that.  I’m not unrealistic, I know that it’s not an immediate fix, but ultimately in two, three, five, or whatever amount of years when the next underpaying asshole decides that I’m redundant, or unnecessary, or —incorrectly—overpaid, I don’t want to be left on my ass outside.

The day that I got laid off, I did my first vlog, and started posting more often on here.  My hope was that by working on these two efforts, I would open up opportunities for myself, or at least gain some mild following for when I finish the novel, that I had started.

The vlog proved to be an impossible amount of work for me with the grind of job searching, and taking care of my son, so I’ve reduced the frequency—at first I was trying to do one a day.  Obviously, I’m not at the point of getting rich off of this, but I’ve been able to interact with a lot of people in both the WordPress and Youtube communities, and I know that if I slowly and consistently work on these, that I’ll continue to move forward.  Sure, it may take a long time or never get me to full independence through these two outlets, but it has been enormously helpful for my mental state.

Through these last seven months, I’ve finished my Master’s Degree, continued to work on this blog, and my Youtube channel, I’ve done a little bit of freelance writing, and I’ve found that I have a love for copy-editing (again through freelance).

I finally found a job, and I don’t know whether it will be amazing, or awful, or somewhere in between.  What I do is it’s a one year contract, so maybe when that ends, I’ll have built up enough work with my freelancing to be independent, or maybe I’ll be job hunting again (job hunting is way more work than having a job in my experience).

So, I’m not independent, today that’s ok, but not everyday.  Some days, I realize that I’m nearly 33 years old, and that I get frustrated knowing that other people are able to do what they want.  I get frustrated that other people act careless, and are rewarded, while I’m careful and punished.  I often think about the fact, that if I am carrying a 3/4s full cup, I hold it with both hands, and yet somehow still seem to spill all over the fucking place, while I watch other people with the liquid to the rim, who manage to wave that glass around and it seems to obey their will to stay in the cup.  I have to listen to my wife, who always explains that the person spills too, they just don’t give a shit so I don’t notice that, where as when I spill it fucks up my day, and so of course it’s obvious.

I guess this example is just more about how little control I have, and less about who does have control over it, but hopefully you get the point. All of these extra things I’m trying, they’re me trying to get a bigger cup to hold that same amount of liquid.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s