(This piece was an op-ed story I wrote for a website that felt it wasn’t right for their website, but I still think the points I make are valid. Let me know what you think.)
What would you say, if I told you that world peace was within your grasp? You have to admit it, that sounds pretty good doesn’t it? Well, it can be a reality. In order to achieve world peace—pretty much making the dreams of every pageant contest come true— all we have to do, and it is pretty simple, is let Donald Trump continue to be President.
You’re skeptical right? Hear me out. We cannot impeach him, and in 2020 we need to reelect, President Trump.
He hasn’t even been President for 150 days yet, and people are freaking out. That’s because you’re all short-term thinkers, but President Trump is basically a Chess Grandmaster (or as he pronounces it ‘Grand Wizard’) because he’s playing the long game, and he’s so many moves ahead. That’s why he’s able to fire off tweets at 3 A.M. so deftly, because he’s planning ahead. If President Trump is unencumbered for the next seven and a half years, he is going to give us the best world peace that money can buy.
Do I finally have you on board with the premise? Now you want to know how right?
Keeping Trump as President is going to continue to piss off pretty much everyone, there’s not stopping that. What we need him to do is lean into it even harder. As he’s pissing off literally every person and nation, North Korea is testing nukes, and working on how to get them to the US. Meanwhile, Trump keeps things going with ISIS, and giving bills to Germany, and frenemy-ing Russia, keeping those pots at a nice simmer. Finally North Korea manages to nuke Guam—this may be pretty soon— and that’s when Trump’s plan takes effect. After the first conflict nuke is launched, Trump goes responds in typical Trump fashion with the biggest greatest nukes.
Now we’re in full blown nuclear war, and you’re thinking “what about mutually assured destruction?” Well, in order to make this world peace omelet, President Trump is prepared to crack all of the eggs—other than those of him and his family, who are now all White House Staff members (except for Eric and the second girl one) who get to go into the underground bunkers with them.
When the radioactive dust settles, there in the midst of a barren wasteland will be world peace. Trump will emerge (years of over tanning have made him impervious to radiation) and declare that the Earth shall be renamed Trump World.
Is the plan perfect? No, but the goal will be accomplished. It’s all outlined in the Art of the Deal, people just didn’t bother to look for President Trump’s subtext.