Chapter 43: July 28, 1981

It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve seen Melanie. She’s been picking up extra shifts trying to get things settled before she’s able to transfer up here. I’m finding it hard to be patient waiting for her to move up here. I miss her, but also I feel guilty. I want her here, but half because I want her company, and half because I need her help. I’m drowning in balancing the baby and work.

I haven’t seen my grandmother. Aunt Amy is eleven, and home for the summer. Disappearing in the morning would complicate her life.

Melanie being busy, Judy being locked up, and Grandma being preoccupied means that I’m feeling pretty isolated. I see people at work. My boss, Johnny, is a nice guy, and we get along, but I don’t have anyone that I can talk through things with. No one I can confide in.

Even this journal, I feel like I barely have the time or mental energy to write things down. But I’m so lost. I’ve got less than thirty years to complete the time-travel math, figure out how to save my family, and I feel like I have no time to make forward progress. I’ve already spent a year getting setup, I’ll need to do more to maintain my finances and get them to a point where I can afford the tools that I’ll need to get back in time. 

I’m feeling pretty defeatist. I’m also loving my time with Elliot when things are good. I don’t think I counted on how much I needed to live my life. I couldn’t send myself on a thirty year mission, and stay focused for that long. What the hell am I going to do?

***

I did see my parents again. I actually ran into them by accident. I was taking Elliot to the Great Muppet Caper, and they were going to Superman II. It was weird that they were going to see Superman II, I always kind of thought that my father disliked Christopher Reeve.

I saw them at the box office, and we talked for a few. They mentioned that Elliot was looking big, and asked how Melanie was. They didn’t offer to babysit again, and I didn’t ask. 

Instead, I mentioned my mom’s ring. They told me they were getting married in June. They said it in such a way that it felt awkward, like they didn’t want to mention that I wouldn’t be invited. I never expected to be, but I get the impulse to shy away from the topic.

My mother had told me when I was a teenager or maybe very early twenties, that weddings were different back then, and that hers was the first one she ever went to. She said that her friends waited outside the church to congratulate them, because there wasn’t enough seating for them after all of the family and friends of parents were invited. She always sounded a little wistful when she mentioned it. I wish I could tell her to change that, but I think it would just sound like I’m fishing for an invite.

They look happy overall, and I’m glad. It matches all of the pictures of them as young people before I was born—not that they weren’t happy when I was born.